is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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