She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
