marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
