I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
