Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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