Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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