So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
