If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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