Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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