First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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