Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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