Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
