No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you had me at cake vodka
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
