I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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