so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
