I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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