I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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