Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
