So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
