Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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