I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
