And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
