If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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