shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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