btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
