don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
