Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
