i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
