Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
