Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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