How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
