so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
