Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
