Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
