If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
