she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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