God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
