Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
