I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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