Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
