I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
