You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
