omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
