i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
