Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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