i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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