Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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