So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
