After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
