So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
