so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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