sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
