Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
