She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
