When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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