I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
